The sting of the bee..........

  My daughter was stung by a bee this weekend....... She just keeps being stunned by how much it is swelling, how much it hurts..... such a little creature doing so much damage. I understand her frustration, I also suffered the same reaction to bee stings as a child, that awful itching , the pain underneath as you try to scratch the itch and the weird almost numb feeling of a hand so swollen.
  But as she complains the whispers start.... reminding me that all things in nature are used by my Creator to teach things to a spirit that is open and listening to His Voice. 
   I tell her, the bee is tiny, so out of her league where size is concerned. The bee seems to be no match for a big human, but yet, one sting and the results are a week of constant reminders that even the tiniest thing can make a huge impact in our lives.
   I remind her that her decisions in this life are the same way. Even one tiny choice can impact you for a long time. That one drink, that one night with a man, that one day you close your eyes to what your gut says..... little things in the scheme of your life but sometimes the pain lasts so long. 
   Sometimes a bee stings and you luck out, not a lot of swelling , no itching , minimal pain.... you might even think you are immune to the bees venom... but then that one particular bee stings and wow! The swelling is huge, the inching wakes you up at night and the pain makes you beg for more benadryl or Tylenol or what ever you use to make pain go away.
   Life is like that. Sometimes you might seem to 'luck out' with a bad choice, you might slide by all the warnings of your elders and have minimal adverse reactions to the choice you made......... and just about when you think that the bad choices are not going to affect you..... wow! You make one more bad choice, take one silly little risk and suddenly life changes forever , or for at least a long long time. 
   Think about the tiny bee the next time you choose ...... think about the fact that this one little decision may just have a reaction that will be so much bigger and more painful than you expected. Choose rightly everytime, talk to your Creator, listen to His advice and follow His voice. Stay away from bad choices even if they seem tiny like the bee.....................

I love to float................... all winter when I think I can not take the cold one more minute, I tell myself summer is coming........ soon....... I will be floating in the pool feeling that feeling of release and comfort of just letting the water take me where it wants to take me .
Some days there is no one in the pool during adult swim and then I am the happiest, able to close my eyes, not worrying about bumping into someone and just give into the feeling of floating without a care. Awwwww the prayers I can give up in those moments, the total general feeling of having not a care in the world.
But somedays there are other adults that want to join me in the water. I have to keep an eye open, watch where the waves take me and on those days I end up going to the side of the pool and hooking just one toe on the side of the pool to keep me anchored , so I dont float into the circle of women who stand , talking in the middle of the deep end....... or so I dont bump into the serious swimmer doing his laps. I hate the feeling of being anchored but at least I can close my eyes and relax.
The other day was an anchor day, too many people to float aimlessly around the pool. That is when I noticed that even the slightest wave from someone swimming by, or jumping in way over on the other side, caused water to go down my nose, it seemed like every other minute I had to fight to stay afloat against the waves, had to get used to the feeling of water splashing over my face. Funny, I thought, how if I am not anchored , if I float unhindered through the water, that never happens, no matter how high the waves go or how much the water is stirred I stay on top and move with the waves instead of them crashing into me.
That is when the whispers started........
Creator reminded me that this is the way of life, the path of a person who trusts Him. If you truly let go and let the waves of His Spirit move you, no matter how scary the waves get, no matter how much people think you are floating too far from what they think is safety....... if you truly lay back into My arms, you will float in peace, in safety and unhindered. But when you anchor even a toe to this world , to keep you feeling safe in this world, then you will feel the waves hit harder, you will fight to keep your life on a balanced float , you will feel battered if you try to keep your safe hold to this world, while trying to walk a truly Spirit walk with Me.
I know this is true...... the times when He has asked me to truly walk in faith on an issue or on a mission it had to be 100 % surrender to His will. People didnt understand it , well meaning people tried to tell me to hook that one toe on the earth to stay anchored........ but the times I did it right, I just floated, I just trusted and no matter how high the waves, or how scary it looked to friends and family watching, it was a peaceful wonderful ride ......
We are human, it is hard to let go of the edge of the pool sometimes, but man oh man I am so glad for the times I floated without anchor in the waves of His Spirit.
TJ James 2011

Long Shadows........

The long shadow of my house travels across a very busy street to shade half of my neighbors yard. They can move their chairs to use that shade to sit on a hot muggy summer's night, to escape those last blinding rays of sunshine. I never realized how much my houses shadow was cast upon their world. As I snapped this picture and the realization of how large my houses shadow was on their world, the whispers I know so well started.

How much does my HOME cast a shadow on my neighbors and on the lives of those around me? Is the shadow cast by the actions of myself and my children a shadow that is welcomed by my neighbors and those around me? Do they watch our comings and goings and find joy in the shadow we cast, or do they wish our shadow was not on their world? Do they see anger and unhappiness and dysfunction that makes the shadow of our lives a hulking presence, or do they see joy and peace that makes the shadow of our lives a comforting part of their world? When the shadow of my children's lives invade their world by what they see and hear, are they more apt to say  to their own children, " I wish you were more like THOSE children"... or instead are we the family that is their precautionary tale. Are they more apt to say, " thank God you are not like THOSE children." When I am parenting my children is the shadow one that makes a young new mother stop and say, " I want to be like her someday" .. .or does she watch and think, " Oh my , never let me get to be like SHE is"......

The shadow we cast on our neighbors and to those in our lives are huge. We might not be aware of the shadow, we might not realize that no matter where we go we leave our mark... but we do.

What does your shadow leave with the people you pass everyday? Who is welcoming the shade you bring and who is wishing your shadow would pass so that the warmth of sunshine can come back? Is your shadow a welcoming coolness from the heat of their hectic stressed life? Or is your shadow the barrier between them and the warmth they need from a cold harsh world?

Think about the shadow you cast and who it effects and live your life in a way that the shadow you cast is a welcome shadow that gives life to everyone you meet.

TJ James 2011

Yes we can

Even though the bus is nearly empty
   the only seat open to me in in the back.
Even though there is no line of people waiting for water
   I can not quench my thirst at that fountain.
Even though I love my country and want to defend it,
   there is no plain in this man's army that I am allowed to serve in.
Even though I am bright, a child eager to learn
   There is no place in that school for me.
Even though I am just a young man who has done no wrong
   A tree branch and rope await my neck.
Even though I love my children , I can not stop my master
   from selling them off to a far away place.
Even though I just want to run and play on a field of grass
   That park is not a place I am allowed to enter.
Even though the polls are open and the law says I can vote,
   I will not be able to because of poll taxes and tests that exclude me.
                                                                                                        
Can we remember these things?
Can we fall on our faces before a Creator who watched these injustices,
   and can we cry out how sorry we are?
Can we make it right?
Can we start fresh?
Can we restore the rights of every man to what they were meant to be?
YES         WE          CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TJ 2008

My Plan...

My plan is plain
   Spilled out on a list
I will bow just right
   I will spell out my needs
I will follow the verses
   that guarantee results
I will remember every sermon
   and follow every rule.
And with this plan
   I will have everything I want.

And so I begin
   I thank Him for what He does for me.
I begin to remember all the ways
   He has changed my life.
I reminisce about the times His voice
   spoke to me and nothing else mattered.

I begin to realize
   it has been too long since I heard Him .
I find my bow becoming a desire
   to curl up , to be in His lap.
I start to speak , attempting to follow the plan
   but instead I drift as a child being rocked
   by the gentlest parent ever.

And the plan dissolves
   He takes over and speaks
   of His Love and His plans.
Suddenly I dont want anything at all...
   In the lap of my Creator
   I have everything
   I need........

TJ 2011

The new world.........

The New World The light glares harshly Too bright, much too defined. No friendly curtains to soften the brilliance, They are packed away in the boxes. The usual shadows are gone. No furniture, no pictures, no knick-knacks To cast shadows into the room. The starkness of the light pierces my soul. I hate the hungry truck Watching it gobble up boxes And tables and beds. That monster on wheels is taking Away a part of my life And driving away much too quickly. The driveway where year after year I watched a man come and go daily to work and back, Is now a driveway filled with that same man’s things. Young people, full of dreams Had unlocked doors to brand new homes Knowing life would be good Neighbors sharing new beginnings New friendship, Life…… full steam ahead! Young people don’t imagine death, And sickness, lay offs and foreclosures. Beginnings don’t whisper those words in their ears. But they happen. The working man walks down the drive To comfort a young widow who is frightened and crushed. His hug and words bring a sense of security To her shaky world. The widow walks up the drive to say," I’ll pray" When the working man is ill, jobs are lost, When life brings challenges. The neighbors walk the path From doorway to driveway And stay connected in the middle. They laugh; they share grumblings about the world. They share tools and advice. Somehow they know that whatever life brings The meetings in the middle get them thru. But the new world, the foreign world of mass lay offs And bank closures and a scary word called recession Brings change. So tonight I remember the hungry truck, I stare at the bright light in the empty living room And I grieve my loss. I will never meet my neighbor In the middle ground again. The next harsh turn in my life, I will face alone. Without the comfort of the hugs, the smiles, the words. Inside I am screaming, "bring back the years!" Deep inside I hear myself shriek like a child "I want a re-do!" But the words stay locked within For this is the new world and the truck is gone The harsh light has now been blackened The young people I loved are gone. They left older They left scarred from life’s hard battles They drove from the home of their new beginnings Into a new world of harsh uncertainties. They left with my tears on their shoulders My hugs imprinted on their bodies And my youth buried in their lives. Tina James 12/05/2009

the power of Creator's beauty

I see in nature the reality
   of how Creator's beauty
   overshadows ugly sin.
When an hour's worth of snow
   can blanket a street of discarded trash
I see
   How His touch can cover my mistakes.

When one beautiful blossom
   trails up a rusty drainpipe
   and turns even  that into a backdrop of beauty
I see
   How His touch can soften
   Even the rough scars of my wounded life.

TJ2011

They Were All Perfect

The perfect day..
   From childhood to old age,
We strive.

Working, Planning, Scheduling...
   We labor to produce it.
The perfect party,
   the perfect holiday gathering.

Baking , arranging, reservations...
   at a fancy motel, or in the forest
In our home,
   or on the road.

Years go by.. some days are so close,
   We think almost...... almost we attained it.
Other days we see sickness , grief
   Heartache that we think we don't come close at all.

But on that day
   when we feel our eyes close for that last time
When we reach hard for that one last breath
   and wait for that one last beat of our heart

One thought inhabits each man..
   One reality at that moment, makes us reach back
to any day that we lived... and we realize
   That each day we lived before this last day...

Each day before that last day
   had one thing in common....
They were all perfect.

TJ 2010

Hope...Joy.. Power... Peace...

Hope...
   It comes on the Wings
   of an eagle sent by your Creator
Joy....
   It fills your spirit
   as the scent of the sweet prayers fill the air
Power...
   It settles on your being
   as you receive the signs that the Master sends into your life
Peace...
   As you realize that The Master, Creator and loving Grandfather
   truly does hold you in the Palm of His Hands.

TJ2011

Man of Steel

His pride has been his body
   Hard lean and strong ..
      Made of Steel.
He believes with it he can find
   Joy , strength,
      and Love...
But as you walk with him
   You find the sad truth.
      His heart is made of the same steel
Cold...
Unbending...
And incredibly hardened.
Unable to love,
  unable to give,
unwilling to bend
   incapable of every truly melting
into anyone's world..
TJ 2006

Shadow Man

He walks in the World
   a shadow....
When he chooses , his shadow
   covers your life.
It covers all parts filling your life
   with laughter
   with joy, with fellowship.
Like the shadow of the afternoon
   it covers all of your world.

But when he chooses, he also leaves
   as quickly as he appeared
And all that is left is a memory
   of the shadow he cast
For he is the shadow man.

TJ 2006

The Vows

                    The Vows

 

We know what Love is

   They whispered softly.

I love you because you’re beautiful…

   He said

I love you because you’re strong…

   She replied

We know what Love means

   They vowed together.

I’ll be my best for you…

   She promised

I’ll always take care of you…

   He replied

We know where Love takes you

   They agreed together.

I’ll build a world for you…

   He said sincerely

I’ll stand beside you…

   She replied

We know what Love holds

   They swore together.

We’ll be happy forever …

   She promised solemnly

I’ll never leave you…

   He replied

But life makes its own vows

   They learned so quickly.

Life made its own rules

   They soon realized.

I know what time does

   Life whispered softly.

Beauty will fade to gray…

    Years said sadly

Dreams will crumble…

   Reality replied.

I know what dreams do

   Commitment answered

You’ll have hard times…

   Work promised

Your life will test you

   Reality replied

Some dreams will flourish…

   Hope quickly promised

Others will die slowly...

   The world replied.

We learned what Love means

   They smiled together.

When sickness found me, you held me through it…

   He remembered

When life just crushed me, you kept me strong…

   She replied

We learned what Love holds

   They both said together.

Great joys and heartbreaks…

   She sighed so slowly

Fresh dreams and downfalls…

   He relied

We learned what Love is

   They whispered softly.

To kiss wrinkled cheeks…

   He said smiling

Hold hands now withered…

   She replied.

We learned what Love becomes

   They beamed together.

Each step was worth it…

   He said sincerely

I’m glad we chose this...

   She replied

TJ JAMES 2011

  

Earn This..............

"Earn this"   two powerful words spoken in the movie " Saving Private Ryan"   The soldier put in charge of finding this last surviving son in WWII tells the character to earn this, earn the right to live after so many died to keep you safe. Dont waste your life thinking you were not worth the price paid, just earn it, make every man who died proud, make their sacrifice worth it....... Earn IT!.
   When I first saw this film when it came out years ago, I had my own 'earn it' moment. Early in the film I watched a young soldier die and as he breathed his last breath he was crying out for his MAMA.  As the film goes on to watch young man after young man die, the circumstances of the deaths are different, some fast, some slow, some hazily floating into the next life with numbing shock helping their pain, while others scream in agony with pain too hard to bear....... but each young man had one thing in common. They each cried for their moms. Every last one of them. By the middle of the film I was screaming inside, " have I earned this?" As the mother of nine boys, have I even come close to earning the honor that if one of those precious boys ever laid on a battlefield dying , they would call for me?
   Was that swat on the butt really merited for what that one did today? Was the shhhhhhhh , while I tried to watch the last five minutes of a stupid television show really the response I wanted to give that child? Did I praise the homemade gift I recieved from him enough to let him know that it was precious in my sight because his little hands had fumbled with scissors and glue and crayons with love for me? On my best day as  a mom would I ever ever really earn the right to be the last person my child screamed for?
    What is it about boys and their moms? I know that dads play ball with them, I know that dads help them learn to ride bikes..... dads are there, doing their dad thing, being loving parents.... but yet as a soldier dies, he wants his mom. How far have I missed living up to that honor?
   By the end of the film when the character is told "earn this"   "earn it"...... I had already heard those whispers from my God, and from my own heart.
   I wonder how many moms think about that , about earning it.... about realizing that a man who looks at you and says " Mom , thanks, I love you Mom, you taught me well Mom, you were always there Mom"  , is the highest medal of honor you can recieve as a parent. I wonder if moms of those little , mud covered, mess making boys, really get that it is one day at a time. You dont wake up one day to a grown son who loves and respects you and feels like the world will never be the same if you are not there someday, or that leaving you to go to the afterlife is unbearable to him. It does not happen overnight , it happens day by day.
    I left that movie so many years ago with tears streaking down my face, not for the soldiers who died in WWII , but for my own sons. For the sons who had a mom who had not earned it. I wept for the times I chose to turn away from them for my own silly entertainment. I wept for them for the times that they were too much for me, when I thought a mistake had been made by having them in my life. I wept for the very perfect boys who had been dealt with a very imperfect mom.
   But because I know now to hear the whispers and learn from them, I made a choice that day. Not to be a perfect parent, because that would be impossible. But a parent that cherished every moment? That I could do. Even when my voice raises with frustration, something in me reminds me, its ok, that is what boys do. I still have to do the parent job, discipline when needed, but with a new direction of helping them be better men, not making them act in a way that makes my life better for the moment. A shhhhhh is not needed to hear a stupid tv show, but a shhhhhhhh is still needed if they are saying something that hurts someone.
   I will never understand why a mom is the last thing a soldier screams for as he dies, but I know one thing......... this mom is going to try to earn it as best she can, and then pray hard that it never has to happen!
T.J. James 2011

The Dance.....

                 The Dance......


You mesmerize me
   with your dance.
Twirling and moving in a flurry
   of beauty.
You skip lightly and barely touch
   the ground.
When suddenly, you fly high
   turning in circles of joy.

Suddenly you slide to your right
   and dip low, teasing me
Keeping my eyes locked on your
   every move.
I blink, and the winds die
   and with the stillness
   your dance ends.

You lay crumbled, lifeless, and still.
   My eyes are opened to see you
   as the world sees you.
I am sad for you, you had a purpose
   a plain white plastic bag
   suited for many useful things.

In your proper place you serve well...
   but someone's carelessness,
   someone's laziness...
   Makes the world see you as
Trash.

Aw, but for a moment today
   in the street where you were
   carelessly thrown.
The wind allowed you to dance...
   to enchant me, to make me smile
And once again I am shown
   that while man makes trash,
Nature in all it's raw power
   Always makes beauty.

TJ James 2011